Power to the people, or maybe not

Cartoon: Sam Bennett. Photo: Supplied

Dear Mr Power Co,

Thank you so much for sending me our quarterly electricity bill of $841.25. I did a quick household head count. There are two of us and we use gas except for the electric oven and the clothes dryer. As I don’t dry towels, just knickers, I’m wondering if I should stop washing and simply buy new knickers then chuck ’em.

Naturally, I did a house search looking for any illegal marijuana crops in a spare bedroom. Those artificial lights chew up the power. No luck there, sadly, just when I needed the crop to pay the bill.

There is one other occupant namely Tuppence, our dog. Tuppence is not a big power consumer. She can’t reach a light switch. I told her, however, it’ll be her duty to keep us warm on those bitterly cold three-dog nights next winter, tough work for a Mini-Schnauzer.

Meanwhile, Mr Power Co, I’m writing to let you know how I plan to pay the $841.25 power bill you sent me.

Plan 1: Buy a power company

Yeah! I’ve gotta get myself a power company. That’s the way to print money. Electricity prices have gone up 60 per cent in three years. We should wipe the Queen off our $5 note and put on a light bulb. It’s not just the killer-kilowatt hours that push up the profits. The power companies are raking in 21 per cent profit on gold-plating the power grid with fancy poles, frilly lines and swanky sub-stations. Forget the solar-panel rorts and the pink batt debacle. This is the dodgiest green program of all. Push down power consumption using record profits for power companies. I want in. I just need to extend my Visa credit limit by a few billion dollars.

Plan 2: Get a job with a power company

Jobs with power companies are, like, so easy to get. Since 2006 the number of employees you and your mates have on your books, Mr Power Co, has risen from 35,000 to 71,000. Woweeee! How good is that! You just turn up and they give you a job. And you get an extra 26 per cent of your wage paid into your super by the company. I could be a linewoman. I can sing ”Wichita Lineman is still on the li-iiii-ine”. I reckon I’d earn my $841.25 in, maybe, five minutes.

Plan 3: Steal copper line

With my linewoman skills, I could shimmy up a pole outback somewhere and cut the line. How many kilometres of copper line equals $841.25? Just let me know.

Plan 4: Sell Smart-Arse Meters

OK. Here’s the deal. I’m going into competition. You want Smart Meters. They’re monsters. You can charge any rate you want any time and cut us off remotely. No more major blackouts. You can spread it round. Well, you can shove your kilowatt hours up your anal network. The Smart-Arse Meter will tell you when off-peak charges apply. So consumers can really save money.

Plan 5: Litigate

You said, Mr Power Co, if I joined your little outfit I’d save heaps. Five per cent as I recall. So how much did I save on the $841.25? Um, $11.43. That is 1.3 per cent. You’re goin’ down. I’ll get a joint action going. You’ll pay, matey.

Plan 6: Stop using electricity

It can be done. At Chez Cue it’ll be candles, cold showers, cold tea and coffee and cold oven-fried chips. Or, I could chuck the oven-fried chips on the barbie. And for heat in winter, I’ll stoke up the old wood fire using all the bullshit marketing leaflets you send me.

Plan 7: Buy off-shore power

I haven’t totally worked this one out. But I figure if I can run an extension cord to New Zealand, I’ll be laughing. I might even sell you some power. Ha! Some real competition. That’d be nice.

Plan 8: Emigrate

We’ve taken a lot of immigrants from Europe and it’s time to reverse the trend. I’m off to France. They never sold off their power supplies. The Electricite de France (EDF) not only owns the French system, it is one of the top six owners of British power supplies. Ha! So heaps of profit being squeezed out of British power consumers goes to the French government. Oh les idiots! It’s too crazy in Britain. When local electrical chaps fiddle with power lines in London the profit goes to east Asia’s richest man, Li Ka-shing in Hong Kong, when they fix lines in north-east England the profit goes to Warren Buffett, in Birmingham to the Pennsylvania Power and Light Company and, you’ll be glad to hear, in Manchester to the Commonwealth Bank of Australia. In Australia, lots of profit goes to Singapore. Why couldn’t the Commonwealth Bank buy our own power stations and lines?

Plan 9: Don’t pay bill

The idea is that you, Mr Power Co, will have to come to our place and take your pound of flesh. Remember once, when it was fair profit for fair service. That idea has gone to the coal-fired hell in a hand basket.

Plan 10: Take out a contract on you, Mr Power Co

There will be a tipping point when it will be cheaper to hire a hit man than pay the bill. Think about that, you bastard.

Yours Angrily

Account Number: <9000600006500523>

via Power to the people, or maybe not.

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17 Responses to Power to the people, or maybe not

  1. Michael says:

    Spot on mate ,I for one would join in a state wide not paying the bills an see how they like that , no money no profit!!!! the way to go!!

  2. Ms Rebel says:

    It’s Fantastic! Thanks for sharing – we could all do with a good laugh at these very foolish and not too bright power companies…BRING IT ON.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Fantastic funny letter!

    I am so angry and upset over this issue too!

    We have to do something about it, and power to the people back.

  4. Pam says:

    This letter to Mr. Power-Co is Brilliant. Just Love it and it is how we all feel about Power Companies in General. If we manage to keep our OLD METERS (I know I will) at least they can’t press a button and turn us off. I have plenty of candles and matches on hand and I have Gas Stove and Hot water service and a Gas heater. I can’t afford Solar and IM STILL HAVE MY SENSE OF HUMOUR, BECAUSE THAT LETTER MADE ME LAUGH………………PAM 🙂

  5. Gwen says:

    If overseas owns 49% of Victoria’s power, and the Government (Liberal at the moment ) own 51%, that would mean they are making a greater profit and are very unlikely to make any changes to the sky rocketing costs or the introduction of smart meters Nationwide. Definition of collusion fits perfectly for what the Government and power companies have done to us. “An agreement between two or more people to defraud a person of his or her rights or to obtain something that is prohibited by law.” I also thought that it would be a conflict of interest for OUR Government to be partners with a private sector business that wants to make massive profits from the people who elected the Government to represent THEM.
    FIGHT, FIGHT,FIGHT for Justice.

  6. Fiona says:

    Love it!

  7. Anonymous says:

    How about NOBODY pay their bills. Then they power company will be forced to either drop the stupidly high prices or cut us all off and they will go broke.

    CLASS ACTION. DONT PAY YOUR BILLS. They wont cut all of us off, they cant afford to.

  8. The only way to stop power bills is to generate power yourself with solar cells feeding into large storage cells for over night usage not grid connected it’s a ripoff. You are still charged to have power connected and paid very little for your generated power and charged a great deal for your usage from them. Off grid solar power is the only way to tell power retailers and wholesalers where they can stick their power. Absolutely no more power bills ever and if you can do your own work, which isn’t difficult, about $10 K will install a 4.5 KW system as I have done.

    • Anonymous says:

      Robert G Scott: Would you be happy to post more info about your idea to generate own power? How did you do it? Who did you use? What are your experiences with this system? Any disadvantages? I’d love to know more if you can spare a minute to share. Yours gratefully, Sharon

      NB: I love this piece – very clever! & funny!!! …….And, let’s be honest if we didn’t laugh, we’d be weeping!

    • 1vimana1 says:

      Hi Robert,
      These Electric Power Companies will prove to be THIEVES if they don’t refund us the money for Smart Meters we don’t want and certainly can’t have for genuine Health Reasons. All of you Victorian Based Foreign Owned Power Companies, Give us back the money you owe us right now !
      These Power Companies say they own the Analog Electric Meters and the newer Microwave Smart Meters. What Tommy Rot ! We the Victorian People paid for them so we own them, simple as that ! Wake up you stupid C.E.O’s of these Foreign Owned Victorian Based Electric Power Companies and refund us the money you owe us right NOW !

  9. TheBThing says:

    People in China are paying $15 approximately for 3 months of a standard house usage. They don’t have any exuse why our bills are so high other than it’s another form of laundering money to fat-cat internationalists.

  10. Michelle says:

    Brilliant !! I think everybody is fed up with the high energy bills ! We have been trying to save power, using no stove or oven, no tumbledrier, no dishwasher, energy saving light bulbs, and still the bill is higher than the previous quarter. I don’t get this ! We are only two people in the house.

    • John Macey says:

      My wife and I are in a similar situation except we managed to get our bill down despite the increase. The TV is a major user of electricity so that is only on maybe 1hr per day and it’s only a source of propaganda anyway. We don’t use the electric stove anymore, instead using camping gear to cook. The object was to be able to get across the message F you you’ll get less money out of us for your greed. We recently got a form letter informing us that our easy way payments would have to increase from $41 to $41 each fortnight because we were using more electricity. Yes that read right. It was a nonsensical letter obviously auto generated and not checked in which 99% of recipients obviously would have to pay more on their scheduled payments. When you can REDUCE their revenue en mass despite their increases then they may take notice. Which I had the money to go totally off grid.

    • Pam says:

      Michelle – check out the energy saving light bulbs on the Video a couple posts back they are no bloody good for us either, something else they snuck on us. .Thank God we still have a sense of Humour…………….There is only me and my little dog and my Pension. Just get a payment plan or use the Utility Relief Scheme. It is available for Water Rates, Electricity and Gas once every two years. You will
      see it on the back of your account under Hardship. Use it – the Government pay up to $500.00 off each of your 3 acccounts every 2 years…….They BLEED US DRY- BLEED THEM BACK………..Cheers Pam 🙂

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